If You Really Love Me
by Moritardus
Summary: Brittany's in love with her best friend Santana Lopez, but will admitting those feelings ruin there friendship? WARNING ; Mentions of self harm. Do not read if you are uncomfortable with it.


"I'm in love with you Santana, I don't think I've ever been more in love with anyone one my whole life, and I know you're scared of the looks, and what people will say, but I want to be with you, only you, I want to wake up in the morning with you beside me. I'm stick of only being your casual hookup. I want you to admit you love me, as much as I love you."

Santana stood speechless, listening to her bestfriend pour her heart out, tears threatining to spill from her usual bright blue eyes, which were now dull and grey.

"I can't." she managed to choke out, she ran out of the room which contained the only girl she ever loved.

**…**

Four days had passed since Brittany had admitted her feelings to Santana, four days since they had spoken, Brittany had left numerous texts and missed calls to Santanas phone, each getting more desperate. She just wanted to hear the Latina's voice once, to know she was okay... she knew she had crossed a line telling Santana what she was feeling, Santana had clearly stated from day one 'sex isn't dating', and Brittany had accepted it easily. She knew Santana was fucked up, the blonde dancer was the only person to ever see her cry, she knew her darkest secrets, and she always knew that Santana would end up at her house drunk, after spending the night with a casual hookup. Brittany was getting more and more anxious, wishing  
Santana would just answer her phone, not knowing what the Latina could be capable of doing in such a vulnerable state, after calling her for about the tenth time that day, Brittany decided that she was done with waiting, if Santana wasn't going to bother to pick up her phone, Brittany would just have to force her to speak face to face.

**…**

Santana didn't know what to do, she missed Brittany, but she didn't want to admit her feelings of how she felt. Four fucking days of drinking and screwing random guys, and she was at the end of her rope, stumbling up to her room (parents not home.. ofcourse) she glanced over to her phone to see another missed call from Britt. She deleted all the others, not even bothering to listen to what her bestfriend had to say, but before she even thought about deleting this one, she decided to listen to it, to drown herself in her self pity somemore.

'Santana? …. Are you there? It's Brittany.. Please pick up S, I miss you, I'm sorry for telling you so soon, I don't know what I was thinking, please don't ignore me, I need you. Santana? I know you don't want to here this, but I need you to remember .. I love you.'

Santana threw her phone at the wall apon hearing those three words, rushing to the bathroom to hurl the contents of her stomach into the toilet. She couldn't LOVE Britt. Could she?

She collapsed against the floor, tears spilling from her brown eyes. She didn't want to hurt her bestfriend, but she didn't want to admit she loved her.

'What the hell am I thinking' she thought 'I'm Santana fucking Lopez'.  
She gathered up the strength to stand up, going over to the bathroom sink to rinse out the bile in her mouth. Looking in the mirror, she could barely recognise the person in the reflection, eyes red-rimmed with mascara, black lines running down her full cheeks from crying so much, skin pale from throwing up, a slight sheen of sweat covering her skin, hickeys on her neck from the last guy se fucked. She felt dirty, like she could feel his finger prints all over her tan skin. Feeling the blie rise in her throat again, she quickly undressed, stripping from the small amount of clothes she was wearing, hopping in the shower, she turned the spray on as fast as she could, barely registering the scalding temperature of the water. She scrubbed at her skin until it was red and raw, trying to rid herself of the filth that felt as though it was embedded in her skin. She screamed out in rage, not feeling clean enough. Not good enough. 'Hell' she thought, a hysterical giggle managing to pass through her lips, 'I'm sure Britt wouldn't ever love me if she saw me likes this'

Reluctantly leaving the shower only when the water turned cold, she wrapped herself in a towel, pacing the room, trying to think of something, god anything that would empty her mind of all the disgusting things she felt. For the first time since she arrivered home, she noticed she had a slight headache, showing that the affects of the tequila she had drunk. Searching for some Tylenol, she opened the cabnet under the bathroom sink, but before she laid eyes on the bottle, she noticed a packet of opened razor blades, ones her father would usually use when shaving. Without thinking she grabbed one, not even registering her front door being opened by the same blonde she was trying so hard to forget about.

**…**

Brittany had ran the thirty minuite drive to Santanas house, taking twice as long as it would have to drive, barely pausing to breathe, she ran straight to the front door, banging on the dark wood when she noticed her best friends car in the drive, she waited, and waited but realised that Santana was too much of a coward to open the door and face the Blonde, Britt got the spare key from under the mat, which Santana had told her about ages ago when she needed Britts at three in the morning, and let herself in the Latina's house. Inside was eerily quiet, which Brittany found strange. Assuming her bestfriend was asleep, she stomped up the stairs, thanking God or Santa or whoever that Santanas parents wern't home yet, she didn't need an audience for what she was about to tell the Latina, and she definatly didn't want anyone but Santana to kow how angry she really was.

**…**

Brittany stopped at the stop of the stair case, taking a moment to control her breathing and to calm herself down, even though she was more angry at her bestfriend than she had ever been in her life, she didn't want to just storm into her room and start yelling, she needed to think over what she wanted to say, she had learn't from past experience that if she didn't ever stop and think, she wouldn't get her point across, and right now, she wanted things between her and Santana to be crystal clear.

After a minute or so, she padded down the hall to Santana's room, pausing to knock on the Latina's door, not getting an answer, she slowly cracked open the door, cringing slightly at the creaking sound the hinges made. Staring into the room, B was shocked, she was used to seeing Santanas room in perfect order, but the sight upon her was utter chaos, clothes strewn across the floor, bottles, smashed, contents carelessly spilled, and an almost unidentifiable object on the floor, smashed into about eight pieces, Santana Lopez's phone. 'Huh, so that's why she hasn't called me back' Brittany noted with a small sigh.  
'San..' she called out tentively, 'Santana Marie Lopez' she called out in a louder firmer voice after not getting an answer, with the house still in deafening silence, Brittany was dumb-struck, 'I swear that was Santanas car parked outside' she said outloud to herself, stepping carefully around the corners of the bombstruck bedroom, she made her way over to the window overlooking the front of the Latinas house. 'Yep, definatly Santanas car' she confirmed, 'But, where's Santana'.

**…**

Santanas hands were shaking, her right hand clenching and unclenching in a fist, trying to get control over her limbs, but they wouldn't cooperate, it probably had something to do with the blade she so carefully held in her left hand, thumb and index finger barely grasping the small object, like she was scared it would turn around and bite her. 'Ha' she chuckled quietly, finding amusement in the thoughts running through her head, 'C'mon, just do it.' She urged herself on, wanting to feel the blade bite through her skin, so to speak, she was sure this would help her feel better, cause she knew Quinn had done it after giving up Beth. A voice popped up in the back of her head, 'You're too scared, too weak, you can't do it can you? Knew falling in love would make you into a failure. Ha.'. She gritted her teeth, 'I'll show you'. Slowly she bought the blade up to the skin of her right wrist, pushing down with an agonising pace, 'I'm not weak' she though, dragging the blade straight across her arm with a flick of her wrist. She gasped out suddenly when a stabbing pain went shooting up her arm.

**…**

Brittany was sitting on the carpeted floor of the Lopez's hallway, pondering at where her Latina friend had gotten to. The only sound her ears were picking up was the soft ticking of the Grandfather clock downstairs. 'tick, tick, tic- "Ha!" -ick,'. 'Wait'. She stood up abruptly, her bones cracking at the sharpness of her movement. 'Did I just hear ..?' She stood silently, barely breathing in the hopes of hearing the faint noise again.

After standing for five minutes, Brittany was sureshe heard a very pained 'ahh' come from the bathroom down the hall. Creeping down to the door, she paused in front of it, waiting for her ears to pick up a sign of movement again, slowly placing her hand on the door handle, she heard a clattering sound from within the room. With a flick of her wrist she pushed the door open and come across the most heartbreaking sight.

**…**

Santana sat in a daze, staring at the deep gash she had made across her arm, watching a rich flow of blood trail out of the wound, slide down her palm, and drip through the gaps between her fingers, making distinctive dots on her white tiled floor, dots that were turning into mini puddles with every drip of her life source. 'Do I want to die?' She thought, brain working slower than usual with the amount of blood the Latina was loosing, 'I don't really care anymore', she realised, become more aware of the loosing battle she was having with her eyelids, when they threatened to close with every blink.

As she waited, Santana sat thinking of the life she had lived, thinking of all the people she had torn down in her battle to be HBIC. 'Hell', she thought with a faint chuckle, 'if I was going to do this right I should've wrote a letter, should've expained. I should've even apologised to Rachel fucking Berry.'

She smiled at that last sentence, knowing that there was noway in hell she would ever apologise to that dwarf, dying or no dying.

The pressure of her closing eyeslids became too much, so Santana Lopez complied to her bodies urges to shutdown. Closing her eyes for the last time, she let out as shallow breathe, and murmered "I'm so sorry Britt, I love you" just as the door opened with a bang.

**…**

The sight that welcomed Brittany was horrifying, there, on the bathroom floor, lay Santana, her bestfriend, the love of her life, in a pool of her own blood, Britts mind went on lockdown as soon as she noticed the gash on the Latinas wrist. 'Fuck, fuck, fuck' she thought, racing into the room and grabbing the towel located behind the door, almost colapsing onto the floor next to Santana, she grabbed her right wrist and pushed the towel onto the still bleeding cut, barely notcing she was kneeling in blood, Brittany was so thankful that she had learn't firstaid at motorcross.

Once satisfied that she was compressing the wound hard enough, Brittany assessed Santana, noticing the shallow breathing pattern and pale cheeks of the Latina, she cupped Santana face and started talking to her. "San! Santana, can you hear me? Oh god Santana what have you done?" she said with a cry when the girl she loved didn't reply. Not knowing what else to do, Brittany brought up her palm and *slap*, slapped the Latina right across the face, tears threatening to spill from her eyes, Brittany barely noticed that Santanas breathing start to pick up, but, staring into the almost lifeless face of the girl she loved, she noticed Santanas eyelids start to flicker. Brittany almost cried out in joy, relieved that her best friend as showing some signs of life, not thinking, Brittany brought her lips up to the Latinas, kissing her as hard as she could, wispering 'I love you' 'I love you so much, please don't leave me' into the Latinas mouth.

**…**

Santanas eyelids flickered open, body registering that there was a set of lips pressed against her own. Seeing a flash of blonde hair, she realised it was Brittany, come to her resue, just like she had always done. She felt Brittany start to pull away from the kiss, and willed her weak left arm to rise and grip the Blondes long hair, crashing there lips back together. "I'm so sorry" Santana cried, barely letting Brittany break away from the kiss. "I love you too Britt. Always and forever."

* * *

**Authors Note ; Oh god please don't kill me, this is my first fic. Yeah I know the ending wasn't very realistic, but I wasn't sure about ending it any other way. I hope you enjoy it and please review! **


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